A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home
~~~
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
~~~
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
~~~
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
~~~
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
~~~
A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out.
A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
~~~
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
~~~
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
~~~
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
~~~
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
~~
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done my homework."
~~~
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
~~
I wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner.
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with
talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one
for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue,
"Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and
nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Jake was dying. His ! wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,"everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

Reviews on yearly performance
1. outgoing personality - always going out of office
2. great presentation skills – able to bullshit
3. good communication skills – spends lots of time on phone
4. work is first priority – too ugly to get a date
5. activate socially - drinks a lot
6. independent worker – nobody knows what she\he does
7. quick thinking – offers plausible excuses
8. careful thinker – won’t make a decision
9. use logic on difficult jobs –gets someone else to do it
10. expresses themselves well – speak English
11. career minded – back stabber
12. loyal – can’t get a job anywhere else
13. plans for promotion \advancement – buys drinks for all boys
14. relaxed attidude – sleeps at desk
15. keen sense of humour – knows a lot of dirty jokes

hi ladynitz,
nice to meet u :)
how r u ?
thanks for accepting me as your friend.
hope to hear from u again.
have a great day and take care ♪ ♬
smile always ^_^Y

im doin just fine

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do u know how to send messeges
if yes than
send it

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hi
how ru
nice pic
what do u do