Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..."

The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff."

The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toliet paper."

Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff.

Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"

"Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"

~~~~~~~~

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan.

"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor."

"Well congratulations, you're holding him."

~~~~~~~~~

Anthony and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day,while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and Anthony suddenly dive into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling Anthony out.The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you!The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

~~~~~~~~~~

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much." speaker replied,
"You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep It Short, Stupid."

~~~~~~~~~

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches

online now?

hi fallen,, musta na?

God has a reason for allowing things to happen.We may never understand His wisdom but we simply have to trust His will.May God bless your heart today and tomrorrow.

hi

A man walks into a hotel. The bellboy asks him
"How many sheets do you want on your bed?"
The man replies "I reckon I'll take 2."
Next the other man walks in and the bellboy asks him the same thing. He replies
"I'll take 2."
Last but not least another man walks in - the bellboy asks him the same question.... and this man replies
"If you shit on my bed I'll kill you."

~~~~~~~~~~

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper.

"You had a very restless night, dear," said the wife. "And what's more you kept murmuring a woman's name in your sleep. Now, tell me, who is Daisy?"

"Oh -er," he stammered, "the fact is, my dear, Daisy is the name of a filly I backed yesterday. It won, 10-1, and here's your share."

Handing his wife a five-dollar bill, he hid himself once again behind the newspaper.

That evening, at the dinner table, his wife once again returned to the attack.

"By the way," she said, "you know that horse you backed yesterday? Well, she telephoned this afternoon."

~~~~~~~~~~~

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

~~~~~~~~~~~

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"

"I'm Baby, and who are you?"

"I'm stupid," he said

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.
He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!"

Hi...
I think they are cute like you too, how do think???

Hi...
Thanks for the note...

#1
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell.
He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?" The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
-------------------------------

#2
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test!
----------------------------

#3
Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say 'HISTORY.'"
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."

Hi,
..
Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them,
and tell new friends you never will.
..
Wat'z up?
..
Take care...