Hello Jessica,

Hope you are doing well and I wish you the best.
:-)

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

~~
I bought a new fridge to get rid of the old, I put it on my front yard and hung a sign : "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. I changed the sign to read : "Fridge for sale $50." The next day it was stolen.
~~

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

~~

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan.

"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor."

"Well congratulations, you're holding him."

~~

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says

~~

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea, but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."

Just stopped by to say hello and good luck in school this year Jessica.

Peace and Love,

Ray

~~#1

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled...
"The Meaning of Dreams"

~~#2

I was checking every room, making sure no one is about.
I checked every floor, and found out that no one is in the building.
I pressed on the lift, and waited for the lift to reach the 84th floor.
The door opened, and I stepped inside.
It went down..
Down..
Down.....
And reached the 52th floor.
A gorgeous lady stepped in.
I was wondering why was a gorgeous lady in a dark building at a time like this.
Then when the lift reached the 13th floor, everything went out.
I thought.. : " Thirteen.. 13!! It's the UNLUCKY number!"
A smell spreaded throughout the lift, a smell that spelled D-E-A-T-H.
I was shivering, and for one second I thought I peed on my pants.
The light came on and the lady was looking at me and said...
" Sorry, I just farted.. "

~~#3

There is a girl she wants to buy a microwave.
So she goes in , pointing the item she saw and asks the sales clerk, "How much for that microwave?"
The salesclerk replies, "We won't sell to you."
So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question. The sales clerk answers, " We won't sell to you."
So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question. The salesclerk replies the same way.
The lady asks why she refused to sell her the microwave. The clerk says, "That isn't a microwave it's a TV."

Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..."

The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff."

The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toliet paper."

Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff.

Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"

"Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"

~~~~~~~~

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan.

"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor."

"Well congratulations, you're holding him."

~~~~~~~~~

Anthony and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day,while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and Anthony suddenly dive into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling Anthony out.The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you!The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

~~~~~~~~~~

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much." speaker replied,
"You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep It Short, Stupid."

~~~~~~~~~

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches

yes i shall rescue the earth!!! :] i hope high school doesnt go too fast. nd welllll, i havent really been doing much around here. ive just been chillin around my house. i cnt hang with friends cuz its a 45min drive, and my mom tag on her car is expired X] it sucks that i didnt get to hang with my other 2 besfranns this summer :/ i will soon tho.....
nd on your side? :]

A man walks into a hotel. The bellboy asks him
"How many sheets do you want on your bed?"
The man replies "I reckon I'll take 2."
Next the other man walks in and the bellboy asks him the same thing. He replies
"I'll take 2."
Last but not least another man walks in - the bellboy asks him the same question.... and this man replies
"If you shit on my bed I'll kill you."

~~~~~~~~~~

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper.

"You had a very restless night, dear," said the wife. "And what's more you kept murmuring a woman's name in your sleep. Now, tell me, who is Daisy?"

"Oh -er," he stammered, "the fact is, my dear, Daisy is the name of a filly I backed yesterday. It won, 10-1, and here's your share."

Handing his wife a five-dollar bill, he hid himself once again behind the newspaper.

That evening, at the dinner table, his wife once again returned to the attack.

"By the way," she said, "you know that horse you backed yesterday? Well, she telephoned this afternoon."

~~~~~~~~~~~

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

~~~~~~~~~~~

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"

"I'm Baby, and who are you?"

"I'm stupid," he said

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.
He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!"

hi jessica,
thank you for your note.
and i'm very happy to hear u like the jokes i sent.
i will post it more if u like it. hope you enjoy it.
yea...i been busy recenlty and not feeling well. i think maybe is the weather here. so how is your day ?
keep in touch and keep smiling.
have a productive day ahead.
catch u soon ...

i know and im not gunna know where anything is but there will be plenty of other nervous freshmen so i wont feel so alone X] and trust me, sherish your 8th grade year cuz before you know it its gunna be over, cuz thats what happened with me. it just went by so fast O_O
and im from south-eastern florida...i dont like putting my city on the internet tho. ive lived here all my life and when i grow up im leaving america to live in china as a "Green" expert :]

yeah i really wanna learn the violin, but im taking guitar as a course in high school.
I just came back from visiting my friend in Port St. Lucie for the past 2 days. I dont live far from there, only about 45 mins away. so im at home right now...kinda bored X]

im so nervous for high school! it starts in 11 days O.O im also excited too though.
today i went to my old middle school to pick up some papers and i miss it so much. when we pulled up to the curb i felt like i wanted to cry. i wanna go back so bad!!! 8th grade was amazing...